Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
