Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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