Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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