I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
How naked do you want me to be?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
