My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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