I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
