If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
