we have officially lost it.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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