you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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