my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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