imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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