Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Duck Duck Cougar?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
