I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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