Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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