I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Michael Bay diarrhea
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just want nice things and good sex
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
