If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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