I skipped work to stalk him.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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