How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
