Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
