I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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