I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
