I hate all girls vehemently.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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