I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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