Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
