This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
