I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Randomize
