I wanna passion pit in your ass
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
