Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
