not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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