remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I supernannyed him into submission
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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