I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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