trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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