So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
