just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Enjoy the penises
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
