turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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