Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
