Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
