im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
