listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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