Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
