Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
