You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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