she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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