Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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