capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
