So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
