Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Found your dick twin last night
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
