my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
