He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
