The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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