Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
