so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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